Closest I've Ever Come
by madeleine68
Summary: Post-Undercover, Olivia tries to deal with the aftermath. Please read and review!


_You must like it rough, he said. She was crying, screaming, clawing at him, trying to get away, but she couldn't. Though she was a police officer, a detective, trained for this, she was still helpless, a victim. He was desperately kicking, begging for him not to do it._

_Please, don't. Please, don't. Please, please, please . . ._

"Please don't!" shrieked Olivia Benson.

She woke herself up and sat up straight, sweating all over. "It was only a dream," she tried to reassure herself. "Only a bad dream."

But it wasn't. It had really happened. Or almost happened, anyway. He hadn't really _done _anything, but it had scared her to death nevertheless.

And every time she closed her eyes, his face swam in her mind, refusing to give her a moment's peace.

* * *

"You look awful, Liv," commented Elliot when she entered the station room the next day carrying a cup of coffee.

She did, too, and she knew it. There were dark bags under her eyes and the bruises on her body still hadn't faded. Every time she'd managed to fall asleep, she awoke to the sound of her own screaming, breathing hard. She must have relived the horrible memory twenty or thirty times last night. And in the morning, she couldn't bear to put on anything more than sweatpants and a turtleneck because she couldn't stand to see the dark bruises that covered her broken body.

"Leave me alone, El," she snapped.

"Look, Olivia. I'm worried about you. We all are. What happened in the basement, Liv?"

Olivia sighed. "Like I told you, Elliot. Nothing happened."

He looked to Fin, who shrugged. "It's Olivia's call," he murmured. "Give her time."

* * *

Elliot went to see Dr. George Huang, their psychiatrist, at lunchtime. "Why won't Liv talk to me?" he asked in frustration. "We're best friends. She tells me everything. I tell her everything."

"She needs to gain the control back, Elliot," said Dr. Huang calmly. "She was powerless and Olivia isn't used to such feelings of helplessness."

Elliot smiled a bit. "She's only human."

"She doesn't see that, though. She thinks she needs to be tougher, stronger than the rest of us. That's just Olivia and you know it. By withholding it from you, her best friend, she doesn't have to relive the horror. She's also ashamed for you to see her like that. She wants so hard to please you, to show you how strong she is, and she doesn't want you to see her as what she was that night – just another victim. She sees admitting she needs someone as admitting to weakness and Olivia doesn't want you to see her that way. That man took away all the control, all the strength that she's built up. As a detective, she has the power over the perps. Having the power reassures her. But in the basement, she wasn't a detective, she was just a normal, frightened, terrified woman. Give her the control back and she'll come around."

Elliot sighed. "Thanks. Do you think you could talk to her?"

"I can try, but she'll probably refuse."

* * *

To Dr. Huang's surprise, Olivia didn't refuse.

"You know, Olivia, Elliot is worried about you."

"I don't want to talk about him," snapped Olivia.

"All right," said Dr. Huang. "Why don't you tell me what happened in the basement?"

"I don't want to talk about that either. He didn't rape me. Nothing happened."

"He came pretty close," observed the psychiatrist.

"How do you know?" she said roughly.

"Otherwise you wouldn't be so traumatized. Something did happen, Olivia. You were sexually assaulted."

"I wasn't assaulted!" But her shaking hands told a different tale.

"All right, Olivia. What do you want to talk about?"

There was only one thing she wanted to know. "When will it be over?"

"When will what be over?"

"The pain, the flashbacks, the nightmares." She hesitated. "The shame."

"It wasn't your fault, Olivia."

"I know that!" she snapped. Then she added quietly, "But that doesn't make it any easier."

* * *

_She was trying to run. I had to stop her, he said. _

_With your pants down? _

_She had been screaming in terror, certain she was going to be raped, but Fin's presence reassured her. She stood up, her jaw trembling. She tried to compose herself._

_Fin was there to save her, but she didn't want to be saved. She should have saved herself. She didn't need a man to be her hero; she didn't want Fin to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this._

"Liv?" Elliot snapped his fingers in front of her face. "Earth to Olivia."

"What? Oh, sorry, El."

"Olivia," said the captain. "Go home. Take a sick day. You're burnt out."

"Is that a request or an order?" she asked.

He sighed. "A strong suggestion."

Olivia bowed her head. "Then I respectfully decline."

* * *

A knock on her apartment door that night made her jump. She hesitated and her heart began to pound in her chest. What if it was Harris? What if he had found her?

She shook off those thought and opened the door. It was Elliot. She burst into tears of relief.

Elliot just stood there. He had never seen his partner cry before and didn't know how to react. He awkwardly put an arm around her, but Olivia flinched and recoiled at the touch. It was the first time someone had touched her ever since the attack.

"It's okay, Liv," whispered Elliot, feeling the tension in her body.

"No," she said. "No, it's not."

She was looking into his eyes, but she wasn't seeing Elliot. She was seeing Harris, _Harris hitting her, smashing his baton into her stomach, his flashlight blinding her, cuffing her to the door. You bite me and you're dead, he said. _

_And she believed him._

_She was gagging, screaming in terror, helpless, powerless. No one could save her and she couldn't save herself._

"Liv, what happened?" asked Elliot.

He could see the vulnerability in her eyes and it scared him. This was Olivia. Olivia, who had always been there for him. Olivia, who was so tough, so strong, so proud, so dignified. Olivia, who never wanted to admit she needed help. Olivia, who constantly judged and thought so badly of herself. Olivia, who always put others first, no matter what the price.

Just as she was doing now.

"Olivia, I want to help you," he said.

_No, no, no. She didn't want his help. She couldn't let him see her fear, her weakness. If he saw her hesitation, he would have the power to hurt her. That was where she'd gone wrong; she'd let Harris see her fright. That was the point of no return._

_She couldn't trust men anymore. She couldn't let herself be hurt again._

"No, you don't." She knew even as she said the words that they weren't true. He did want to help her, yet she couldn't let him in. 

"Liv, Liv." She was swaying on her feet and Elliot was worried about her. He took her gently by the arm. She cringed but allowed him to lead her to the couch. He sat down across from her. "Liv, honey, I need you to tell me what happened in the basement."

She swallowed. "He didn't rape me, Elliot. But it's the closest I've ever come."


End file.
